I Think I Can, I Think I Can...But I Shouldn't

I woke up this morning with severe pain in my back and neck. I had a feeling this would happen today because I went to a home store yesterday to shop for new shelves…and stupidly, I lifted them by myself because there was no one around to help me. I now realize that I have these “denial days” where I think I can still do everything that I used to without consequences. I realize that I “have no limitations” according to my neurologist; however, if I choose to pick up anything over 20 pounds I end up paying for it within 12 hours.

 If I do overdo it I have to take my pain medication and it is pretty frustrating for me to have to take those. I’ve always disliked pain medication. I have had many surgeries in my life and a lot of painful situations due to my clumsiness but I avoid pain medication at all costs. I had two knee surgeries when I was in high school and I believe I may have taken a total of five pain pills between those two surgeries. I have had a tumor on my thyroid and had a hemithyroidectomy (removal of half of my thyroid) when I was 23 and that pain was excruciating. Within a week and a half I was off pain medication because I respect it and fear becoming addicted to it. I usually only take ibuprofen or pain relievers of the like and for the most part these work for all of my ailments. This diagnosis has completely shattered that process for me. Pain medication barely takes the edge off now, so ibuprofen is quite laughable at this point. I just want the pain to cease so that I don’t have to rely on pain medication any longer.

I want to be able to be independent again and not have to rely on anyone to lift my son or anything I need to lift. It’s so disconcerting to realize that things I once did effortlessly I can no longer do without hurting or assistance. I also realized that being a single mother with two children and a having debilitating disorder really takes a toll on me emotionally. I want to be able to give my children everything they want in life within reason and I cannot even go on an amusement park ride with them (that is one of the many things I should not do with my disorder). I guess that puts the Disney trip off until they are old enough to ride the rides without an adult, poor kiddos.

I am trying to remain on the positive side, though. It’s been really difficult on some days but usually when someone asks me about my diagnosis I tell them about it with a positive perspective. You might even see me smile when I talk about it because I want to make sure that people don’t feel sorry for me. I want to believe that I will be fine and if I talk negatively about it, people will come up to me with the “pity face” that I have grown to really avoid these days. I do appreciate, though, the concerned face that my friends and family give me. They know that I am hurting and they ask me how I am doing, but they don’t feel sorry for me…or at least they don’t say that they do. I know I’ll get through this and that it could always be worse.