Accepting Help

Yesterday was a major test for me. It was the worst pain I had endured since the diagnosis and I didn’t pass the test very well. I am a very headstrong and stubborn person. Those of you who know me are nodding your heads right about now. One of the things that I have to learn to deal with is that I am not able to be as independent as I want to be with this disorder. I have to learn that I need to accept help and ask for it when I need to be helped. It has been a struggle for sure.

Because of the pain, I tend to push people away because I do not want them to have to go through the pain of watching me suffer. It’s not my most prized memory to have someone watching me while I can’t move, but I realize that because people care about me they want to help me through this time. I have to let them help me.

Part of my problem is that I do need help, but I don’t want to admit that I can’t do it on my own. That is the MOST frustrating thing in the world for me. I have been doing things for myself since I was a very young child and here I am, 29 years old, and needing people to help me with the simplest of tasks. I’m not allowed to lift over a gallon of milk. Do you realize how frustrating that can be for a mother? It’s super annoying to not be able to lift my youngest child. I haven’t been able to lift my daughter for over 3 years now.

Another of my issues is that I don’t want to have to be on medication for the rest of my life. That is uber annoying. I especially loathe pain medication. There are several reasons why I can’t stand it and addiction is one of them. I have never been addicted to anything in my life (except food, yummy) but I know that addiction is something that I have feared my entire life.  I guess if I can’t allow myself to rely on people to help, I definitely can’t allow myself to rely on medication for help, either. I have allowed myself to take it again and I see why I was so adamant about not taking it…it doesn’t work. When you have as much pain as I have, it seems that the amount of pain medication I am prescribed is not enough to take away the pain. I will not take anything more than I am currently prescribed, though (even if my doctor says it’s ok).

So here I am, day two laying flat on my back wondering when the pain and symptoms will be relieved and I wonder if I will allow myself the help that I know I need. I truly am blessed with my family and boyfriend because I feel like they are always there to support and help me. I just need to allow them to do that and get over my idea that help makes me weaker. I realize that every day that I have to live with this I become stronger. Today I am stronger than I was yesterday, and that is a fact. I had an emotional breakdown yesterday and I rarely do that anymore. Today I feel confident that I will get better and move on to fight this with every fiber of my being. This grey cloud over me will subside soon; I look forward to the sunshine, again.